Miss Velour Sweat Suit Wearer

Today we salute you Miss Velour Sweat Suit Wearer
(Miss Velour Sweat Suit Wearer)
Just like every teenage girl and their mom, you’ve convinced yourself that you can pull off wearing a sweat suit in public anytime and anyplace as long as it’s made out of velour.
(Is that a Juicy Couture?)
Sweat? Not in your sweat suit. The only odor emitted from your velour sweat suit is Dior.
(J’aime l’odeur)
Typically worn to the gym or as sleepwear, cotton sweats bear the mark of simplicity. But with velour, you stake your claim as the class fox that has enough money to blow on $200 sweats.
(So classy!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Miss Velour Sweat Suit Wearer, and sit back and relax because your waistband is made of elastic.

Miss Other Girl's Boyfriends Befriender

Today we salute you Miss Other Girl's Boyfriends Befriender
(Miss Other Girl's Boyfriends Befriender)
You’re single. But that doesn’t stop you from making sure everyone else’s boyfriend has your number recorded in their cell phone.
(You’re such a good friend)
You noticed long ago that you can’t keep any girlfriends. In fact, most girls hate you upon meeting you. So you get back at them by turning the heads of their boyfriends.
(You can’t help it if they’re jealous)
Unless every guy in the room is paying attention to you, you’re not happy. And you know every trick in the book to get the spotlight back on you.
(Did somebody say Strip Poker?)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Miss Other Girl’s Boyfriends Befriender, because you’re a man’s girl and you love every second of it.

Miss Tiny Dog Accessorizer

Today we salute you Miss Tiny Dog Accessorizer
(Miss Tiny Dog Accessorizer)
While other women your age prefer to accessorize with scarves or jewelry, you decided you’d spend thousands to adorn yourself with something that poops.
(The little cutie did a little doodoo)
That’s right, health code laws don’t apply to you, you can wear that shivering excuse for a dog wherever you go. Restaurants and shopping malls don’t care ‘cause it’s just so damn cute.
(What’s that smell?)
Now you have an excuse to blow even more money on designer accessories for your dog.
(She just loves her Burberry Dog Collar!)
So crack open an Ice Cold Bud light Miss Tiny Dog Accessorizer as you and your living bling relax on the couch in matching Chanel sweater sets.

Miss Strappy Thong Revealing Wearer

Today we salute you Miss Strappy Thong Revealing Wearer
(Miss Strappy Thong Revealing Wearer)
You’ve reformulated completely how to wear the thong. Formerly used to hide panty lines, you now let the straps hang out the sides of your low rise jeans.
(How else would guys know you’re wearing one?)
Whether bent over a pool table or sitting on a bar stool, your strappy thong is just as lethal as your padding enhanced cleavage.
(There’s no safe place to look)
You’re dying to dig your fingers into the butt of your pants and pull that sucker out but you don’t. A full-time wedgie is a small price to pay for the hotness you exude.
(If only they knew the pain)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Miss Strappy Thong Revealing Wearer and then give that strap a snap.
(Miss Strappy Thong Revealing Wearer)

Miss Really Long Acrylic Nail Wearer

Today, we salute you Miss Really Long Acrylic Nail Wearer
(Miss Really Long Acrylic Nail Wearer)
Not content to have boring natural nails, you decided to go the extra mile and add another three inches to make sure you had the longest, most impractical nails on the block.
(Nobody messes with you now)
You may not be able to get out a knot in your shoelaces or push the buttons on your cell phone, but there’s never a booger that can get past those suckers.
(They can run but they can’t hide!)
You love painting those babies, and then removing the paint and painting them again.
(Every color of the rainbow)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Miss Really Long Acrylic Nail Wearer
You’ve broken off so many nails trying that you’ve learned to do it with your teeth.
(Miss Really Long Acrylic Nail Wearer

Miss Oversized Tote Bag Carrier

Today, we salute you Miss Oversized Tote Bag Carrier
(Miss Oversized Tote Bag Carrier)
You decided that carrying your wallet, cell phone and hairbrush just wasn’t enough. You needed more. A lot more.
(They never make them big enough)
Your tote bag holds everything from your toothbrush to your accordion file folder. If you were ever stranded you could survive for days living solely off the contents of your tote.
(You never know what may happen!)
Mary Poppins has nothing on you. No matter where you are, you can be assured that as long as you have that tote, you’re gonna be okay.
(Step aside Mary Poppins)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Miss Oversized Tote Bag Carrier.
Then put a six pack in your purse for later. God knows you have the room.
(Miss Oversized Tote Bag Carrier)